A Closer Look At Sex & Love

Josh will tell you: He just likes sex! Through high school and college he kept track of the "notches on his belt" but a few decades later the women are just a hazy stream of one night stands. He loves the chase and sometimes even feels pleasure. But when the sex is over he is gone.
He tells himself he's quite a stud but a voice inside asks how long he can keep this up. He swears he's going to stay home and relax tonight but the loneliness gets to him and finally, he decides he will "check out the action" at his favorite bar one more time.
Trina just met the "man of her dreams" a few weeks ago. She invited him to stay with her when his wife threw him out. She's so happy giving him what he needs domestically, financially, and sexually, especially when it's something his wife wouldn't do. She loves knowing that she understands his better than anyone else. That is why she is going to surprise him by taking him out to dinner for his birthday and wear the kind of very revealing dress he really likes.
Normally she wears more conservative clothes because she is uncomfortable being the center of attention. But making him happy is what counts. She leaves work early to swing by his office and give him a ride so he won't have to take the bus. She's thinking about placing an ad to give away her precious Siamese because he has hinted that he doesn't like cats.
What do Josh and Trina have in common? On the surface, very little, but inside they are two lonely people desperate for connectedness in unhealthy and compulsive relationships. Josh and Trina may be sex and love addicts.

What is Addiction to Sex and/or Love?

Although people such as Josh and Trina seem at first glance to be very different--Josh relates superficially to many and Trina wraps herself up intensely in one--they can be thought of as extremes on a continuum. Josh's behavior may be acceptable or even admired for younger men but in someone well into middle age they contradict our cultural expectation of finding a mate and settling down for life. Therefore, his addiction is more readily seen as out of control than is Trina's.
Sexual addiction has been called many other things: compulsive sexual behavior, hypersexuality, or sexual impulsivity. Sex addicts are characterized by a preoccupation with sex, the strong desire for sex, and particularly, a sense of shame due to an inability to control their sexual impulses. Sex addicts cannot identify a time when their compulsion began but there seems to be an agreement that it occurs as a coping response to anxiety.
The psychological world had known for decades what the underlying problem is. As far back as twenty years ago, Barth and Kinder (1987) wrote, "the sexually impulsive individual uses sexual activity as a means of avoiding or escaping from personal problems, social stress, and unpleasant emotions, such as loneliness, boredom, tension, sadness, or anger (p.16)." Their sexual activities can range from intense sexual fantasizing, conventional intercourse, and sexual deviation (of a number of types) to violent criminal behavior. Sex addicts often try to distance themselves from their impulses, that is, from their bodies, their hearts and souls.
They use repression and denial resulting in guilt and shame, social isolation, and other inwardly directed negative emotions. In other words, they try to keep their addiction secret and suffer low self esteem and alienation as a result. Frequently, their sexual addiction is accompanied by drug and alcohol abuse or addiction. Often, as the substance abuse abates, the sexual addiction increases and one set of compulsive behaviors substitutes for another. However, both addictions can be seen as attempts to provide a means of avoiding inner emptiness.
What about Trina? What could be wrong with falling in love, becoming one with your partner, placing your loved one above yourself: Isn't that the stuff of romance? Isn't that what love is all about? Trina and those like her have never experienced genuine nurturing and confuse their partner's neediness with desire. Their relationships are one way to try to experience caring but their care-taking can turn to control. Typically love addicts are Super Co-dependents.
They may have grown up in extremely dysfunctional households where one or both parents were either addicted to something (e.g.,alcohol, drugs, work, gambling, food, etc.), mentally unstable, violent, physically and/or emotionally abusive, or even sexually inappropriate with their children. The result was that the parents were emotionally unavailable to their children and thereby discounted their child's perceptions and needs. Future love addicts often became caretakers of one or both of their dysfunctional parents. In this way they got some of their emotional needs met to feel important or valued.
These kids brought into adulthood a paralyzing fear of abandonment so strong that they would do anything to keep a relationship from breaking up. Used to a lack of love in relationships, they are attracted to partners who are as emotionally unavailable as their parents. They hold hopes of transforming the object of their affection with the power of their love. They stay focused on the loved one and discount their own needs and desires. They take on the blame, guilt, and responsibility for the relationship and keep trying harder and harder to please.
They are willing to suffer and endure pain in hopes of getting their partner to acknowledge and appreciate them in ways their parents never did. People who are kind, respectful, and solicitous of them are found wanting, dull, and lacking in excitement. The love addict becomes restless around persons who might really provide them with genuine caring and nurturing. The love addict's caring turns to control as they try harder and harder to achieve the security they never had in childhood. However, rather than create that idealized fairy tale ending they wish for, they more often recreate the home they were raised in.

Recovering from Sex or Love Addiction

While suggestions for treatment of sex and love addiction differ among varying helping groups and professionals, two major concepts are considered important by all:

1. since love and sex are natural and important parts of human functioning the impulses need to be re-channeled rather than abandoned and
2. full recovery involves developing healthy relationships.

With most addictions, abstinence is a major goal and means to recovery. The alcoholic abstains from drinking; the compulsive gamble stops betting; the addict stops using. Yet, just as the suggestion that compulsive overeaters cease all eating activities would be unrealistic as well as unhealthy, and therefore unwise, the suggestion that sex and love addicts stop partaking of their loving and sexual impulses would be equally unnatural and also unnecessary. Loving and sexual impulses expressed in healthy ways lead to feelings of belonging, positive interactions, and increasing self esteem.
Sex and love addicts have distorted their natural impulses in dysfunctional ways in order to deny their feelings of shame. Therefore, a major goal of recovery is to re-direct and re-channel addictive thoughts and behaviors in order to rediscover their natural loving and sexual impulses and transform their lives.
Developing healthy relationships is vital to recovery from a sex or love addiction. To this end Twelve Step programs modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous serve a valuable purpose. Many sex and love addicts find the acceptance, patience, and structure of a Twelve Step program such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) or Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) their key to feeling more genuine connectedness with themselves and others. Some find a special friend, mentor, or lover with whom they are able to form a healthy and enduring bond.
Some need more help. A number of people discover that a relationship with a professional therapist with expertise in these issues can be helpful in many situations. A therapist can help them see why they behave in unhealthy ways, can help them identify their unmet needs and find ways of expressing and getting them met, can describe what healthy relationships are like, and can help guide and support recovering addicts as they experiment with new ways of being.
Although sex and love addicts may experience anxiety, loneliness and despair and the road of recovery may seem long and bumpy, they can become healthier in their relationships and lead fuller, more satisfying lives. If you or a loved one need help, get it. Make yourself a priority and attend to this most basic of needs as soon as you can.

What is Love ?

What is love? It is one of the most difficult questions for the mankind. Centuries have passed by, relationships have bloomed and so has love. But no one can give the proper definition of love. To some Love is friendship set on fire for others Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it. No matter how you define it or feel it, love is the eternal truth in the history of mankind. Love is patient, love is kind. It has no envy, nor it boasts itself and it is never proud. It rejoices over the evil and is the truth seeker. Love protects; preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life. Always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. It is like the dream of your matter of affection coming true.   Love can occur between two or more individuals. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt. The depth of love can not be measured. Look at the relationship between a mother and a child. The mother loves the child unconditionally and it can not be measured at all.   A different dimension can be attained between any relationships with the magic of love. Love can be created. You just need to focus on the goodness of the other person. If this can be done easily, then you can also love easily. And remember we all have some positive aspect in us, no matter how bad our deeds maybe. And as God said �Love all� Depending on context, love can be of different varieties. Romantic love is a deep, intense and unending. It shared on a very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship.  The term Platonic love, familial love and religious love are also matter of great affection. It is more of desire, preference and feelings. The meaning of love will change with each different relationship and depends more on its concept of depth, versatility, and complexity. But at times the very existence of love is questioned. Some say it is false and meaningless. It says that it never exist, because there has been many instances of hatred and brutality in relationships. The history of our world has witnessed many such events. There has been hatred between brothers, parents and children, sibling rivalry and spouses have failed each other. Friends have betrayed each other; the son has killed his parents for the throne, the count is endless. Even the modern generation is also facing with such dilemmas everyday. But �love� is not responsible for that. It is us, the people, who have forgotten the meaning of love and have undertaken such gruesome apathy. In the past the study of philosophy and religion has done many speculations on the phenomenon of love. But love has always ruled, in music, poetry, paintings, sculptor and literature. Psychology has also done lot of dissection to the essence of love, just like what biology, anthropology and neuroscience has also done to it. Psychology portrays love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause. It is said to have three components in the book of psychology: Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion. Also, in an ancient proverb love is defined as a high form of tolerance. And this view has been accepted and advocated by both philosophers and scholars.   Love also includes compatibility. But it is more of journey to the unknown when the concept of compatibility comes into picture. Maybe the person whom we see in front of us, may be least compatible than the person who is miles away. We might talk to each other and portray that we love each other, but practically we do not end up into any relationship. Also in compatibility, the key is to think about the long term successful relationship, not a short journey. We need to understand each other and must always remember that no body is perfect. Be together, share your joy and sorrow, understand each other, provide space to each other, but always be there for each others need. And surely love will blossom to strengthen your relationship with your matter of affection.

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Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare.

Five Reasons to get married and Five Reasons not to get married

To Marry or not .....
Getting married is once in a lifetime decision for many people. When people wish to get married, invariably all of them expect a full life together. Very few would think of marriage as a short-term exercise. Hence, it is very much necessary that all aspects of a life together be fully analyzed before tying the knot. Usually men and women tend to have different perspectives about married life. It would be better to have open and honest discussion to sort out the possible future irritants or at least understand them so that some sort of compromise could be arrived at.
The reasons that a man looks at while desiring to marry her are innumerous. However, a few of them top the list in order of priority. For most men, the need of a woman in life is necessitated by the motherly love that he had received in his early life. He needs a woman who can show him the same love and who could fulfill his physical and emotional needs. That is why many men look for the same qualities in a woman that their mothers possess. The second reason is to have a lifetime companion, who can share his desires and needs. The third reason is love. When a man feels that he loves a particular woman, he wants to own her fully. This might appear to be a wrong reason but that is the way humans are made. Everybody likes to possess what he or she desires and human relationships are no different. In some cases, the man might marry a woman because she has become pregnant and is carrying his child. Certain men wish to marry a woman who is having the same career as his, so that they would be able to adapt to each other better. It is quite usual for a doctor to marry a doctor and a lawyer to marry a lawyer. They would be able to understand the work pattern and the workload of each other. However, few others are very particular that the woman is having a different profession, so that their interests do not clash. This choice depends on the outlook of the individual.
In short men marry women for the following main reasons.

• The wish to continue the motherly love received in childhood.
• Desire to have a lifetime companion.
• The love the man has for the woman.
• The woman having become pregnant by him.
• To have a woman who has a similar career for easier adaptability.

Women also marry men for nearly the same reasons. However, one important reason that women have in marriage is to escape from parents that they do not like or from a parent who is abusive. Sometimes, men also marry for this reason but the number is much lesser than women. So the reasons for a woman marrying a man can be enumerated as follows.

• Wish to escape from parents.
• Desire to have a lifetime companion.
• Love for the man.
• Having become pregnant by the man.
• To have a man having a similar career for easier adaptability.

The reasons for getting married are quite obvious. On the other hand, the reasons for not getting married are much more complicated. In fact, it would be difficult to mention reasons for not getting married. However, the reasons for a marriage becoming a failure could be discussed with more ease. There are several jokes about marriage but nearly all of them are at the expense of the woman. There should be some strong reasons for that. Probably, the main reasons are the innumerable needs that women have that drain the purse of a man and the continuous nagging that women indulge in after marriage. One joke says that a successful man is one who can make more money than his wife spends but a successful woman is one who finds such a man. Many women tend to nag the men too much after marriage. They try to compare their husbands with other men who are more successful in life, which is resented by the husbands. Wives also tend to give free advice to men as to what they should and should not do, which is also not liked by many men.
Infidelity is one more reason that could harm the institution of marriage. Both men and women, who are quite possessive, would be repelled when they come to know about extra-marital relationships, leading to separation. Physical incompatibility is the cause for break-up in several cases. Even loss of interest in sexual relationship after some time could lead to a break-up of the marriage. Finally, the conflict in tastes and interests that appeared insignificant before the marriage starts to take a larger picture in married life. Disagreements increase, resulting in final separation.
Even though it would look absurd if we list reasons for not getting married, we could list the reasons that break-up marriage.

• Over-spending by the wife and living beyond the man�s income
• Continuous nagging, comparing the man to others more successful, and giving unwarranted advice
• Infidelity
• Physical incompatibility or sharp decrease in sexual interest
• Conflict in tastes and interests leading to disagreements and fight

Tips for wedding accessories

Tips for wedding accessories
Preparations for a wedding day is as hard as getting the right groom or bride to marry. All weddings might be the same as far as the general ceremonies are concerned. But the planning and focus on this day starts many months before. For some it is still worse as they have to plan it at least a year before as they start saving for their D/Day.
Wedding budget is what is taken into consideration when the wedding bells start ringing. Both the groom and the bride sit together and decide how much to spend on their weddings. It is a special moment and once in a lifetime celebration so many couples think of a very lavish and extravagant marriage ceremony. They usually plan beyond their financial capacity hoping to make up the deficits after marriage.
But there is actually no need to feel the pinch in your purse if you plan your wedding accessories properly. Getting the help of a wedding planner might be a great idea but still if only the couple had some time to spare they can easily cash in on the most affordable yet classic wedding collections they can possibly lay their hands on.
First sit together and start taking note of all the accessories you will both need for the wedding day. From the wedding dresses, to the hairpins and shoe laces everything should be noted down. Then carefully separate similar things together like dresses and its related accessories like veils, brooch, pins, bags etc together. Then put together your hair needs, shoes etc together.
Start shopping for the categories separately and do not go into a store looking for everything. First finish with the dresses, then the shoes and when you go for these things separately you might even knock on something important you had forgotten earlier. Search for budget stores or stores which might get you quality products for a fair price.
Branded dresses are costlier and especially designer clothes cost a fortune. Look out for cheaper versions of the designer clothes you like. They are available everywhere so it might be a better option. Take special care while selecting the right hand bag, shoes, veils and gloves. It is one day in your life time where you are expected to be your very best.
If you have chosen a themed wedding choose the accessories keeping in mind the general theme. Coordinate colors too to give a feel of uniformity with the whole wedding d�cor. Take special care with the guest seating and dinning arrangements too must be the priority as they will all add up to the celebration mood.
Food is the most important component of any wedding celebration. The table setting, floral arrangements and d�cor will only make the food served more enjoyable and tasty. Select a menu to suit everyone�s taste and always add details. Sit with the chief cook and take personal interest to taste personally all the dishes before selecting them.
The wedding accessories of everyone in the family must also be taken care and chosen in accordance to the theme of the marriage after discussing with them. Try to design for yourself a custom made wedding invitation as that will give a personal touch to the wedding invitees. The guests will be enthralled with your personal touch and taste. Giving away small gifts to the guests will only express your deep thankfulness for their presence in the most important moments of your lives.
Choose a gift which will be cherished by the guests forever and will always keep them reminded about you and your wedding memoirs. Planning for before and after the ceremony is also essential as many guests might choose to stay back or might come in advance. Their comfortable accommodation and other needs should be looked into.
The place of the wedding if it isn�t the church should be taken care of with much detail. Always be ready to face the worst climatic changes if you want an open air wedding. The bride and the groom�s beauty treatment should be taken care off months in advance. Visit to beauty parlors for the monthly facial, pedicure and manicure is a must.
Make a contract with the parlor and get a special wedding discount for all the overall beauty treatment. Plan your wedding, discount the payments and enjoy the celebrations.

Spicing up your Sexual Relationship

Sex Lessons
Has your sexual relationship with your partner been less than average lately, less exciting or completely died down?
You are not alone! It is quite common for the sexual relationship between couples, especially married ones, to lose routine and the excitement felt in the beginning. Though there are several reasons of why your sexual relationship has changed for the less active and exciting, it usually has nothing to do with your love for one another (depending on the situation).
The first thing you need to find out is what reasons there may be behind this changed. Is it you who does not want as much sex or your partner? After clearing that up, then find out why you or your partner feels this way. It is easier to find reasons concerning yourself than your partner, so if it is your partner you need to find answers on, then you will need to be more observant of their behaviors, reactions to certain things and so on. Communication will also be plenty of help, so do not be afraid to ask your partner if there is something bothering them, or talking to them about what is bothering you.
Do not feel bad or guilty if you or your partner feels less turned on by things that used to be the biggest turn-ons. It is a perfectly normal and understandable to get less interested in routines. We all need variety and new things in our lives, so just look at it as a call for something new. Try a new activity in the bedroom that both you and your partner feel comfortable with. You can buy some new lingerie; music, candles or anything you feel will set the mood. Try dating each other again. Most married couples forget that is important to continue dating and living the romance after the wedding. They enter a new stage of comfort feeling secure and safe, making them feel that they do not have to try to impress each other. Marriage is supposed to feel safe and secure and you do have to be up on your toes all the time, but you do have to continue making an effort if you want the romance to live forever.
Go to the places you used to go to when the two of you started dating, to rekindle that new romance feeling. Book a hotel room for a night so the two of you are away from, with pure privacy and a new surrounding, which could very well mean a new experience! Touch each other and pay attention to the other�s reaction to certain caresses. By paying attention and keeping an open mind, your sexual relationship can reach places you never though possibile.
Sometimes spicing up your sexual relationship can be more difficult than you imagined. You cannot think of every new approach to try and heat things up. Which is why professional advice is so handy. Explain your situation to your relationship expert and ask them for ideas and suggestions of how you and your spouse can make your sexual bond stronger. You will not only learn new things, but also how to avoid entering this block in the road again. A healthy sex life has a big influence on your relationship as husband and wife. It is not everything, but does play a huge role, so never neglect such a problem, hoping it will pick up the pace again. It takes two to participate in such a relationship, so always talk to your partner about what is on your mind to avoid misunderstandings. You can have the sexual relationship you and your partner have always dreamed of and more, with the effort, care, patience and expert advice that your marriage deserves.

Wedding Disasters

Wedding Disasters: The most disastrous things that could ruin your wedding day!.
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A Wedding is a dream come true for all of us- it is something each one of us has been looking forward to all our lives and no wonder this is one event where we wish nothing goes wrong. Wedding means guests, lists, some confusion, wedding cake, wedding gifts, venue planning, decorations, wedding dresses, etc. With so many things to take care of, no wonder the bride, the groom and their families are one hassled lot.
It is necessary to take care of so many things if you wish to invite all your near and dear ones at your wedding. Things can go wrong from lists of guests to the venue chosen. Your wedding can become memorable for its blunders rather than the style and success. Here are some of the wedding mistakes that you need to be careful about so you do not ruin your wedding day.
1) Wedding planner: One of the most important persons whenever a wedding is in the offing is the wedding planner. Make sure your wedding planner is an experienced one; this could cause lesser confusion and better order at your wedding.
If you wish to carry out your wedding all by yourself, you should ensure you are taking care of all aspects of the wedding methodically. This begins from planning the venue and decorations to planning food, guest lists, gifts, etc.
2) Making guest lists: Guest lists are most important. At times with so many people to be invited, it is necessary that you bifurcate all those you know on certain criteria. This would be useful especially if you are interested in inviting only a handful of people and you have large numbers of people to choose from. Another confusion that could result among guest lists is when both the bride and the groom do not calculate how many people each would like to invite. You could end up inviting too many or too little, if your calculations go awry.
3) Inviting wrong guests: If you or your fiancé are not on talking terms with certain people, you need not invite them. Their presence would damage the wedding rather than enhance it; these are the wrong guests to invite.
4) Food preferences: if you love a certain type of food but no one else shares the passion for it. Planning this food for your wedding day could be one of the most disastrous wedding choices ever. It could happen that people either love your choice or the food goes to waste and people go back hungry without eating their fill. Public consensus is the best when it comes to making the choice of food.
5) Wedding Day: Wedding planning requires that you do not just ensure that the day you choose for the wedding is comfortable, preferably a holiday or a weekend. This is necessary if you want your guests to attend your wedding with peace of mind and enjoy themselves.
6) Gifts: No one in the civilized world would make any noise for not receiving a gift. However, it is important that you pay attention to pay attention to the fact that you are giving gifts (if your budget so provides) to everyone, especially to those near and dear ones.
7) Wedding Ring: Do not forget the wedding ring! Keep it with you or your best man/bridesmaid during the time of your wedding. This is necessary to avoid last minute confusion and waste of time and sending someone simply for fetching the wedding ring.
8) Wedding dress: Avoid another wedding disaster by taking trials of your wedding dress. This also includes whether or not you have decreased your weight. This will avoid last minute repairs and adjustments and you looking tacky in your wedding dress.
These are just some of the wedding day disasters that could happen. There are some disasters that only luck can save you from and over which you will have absolutely no control over. These are something like sudden rains, floods, earthquakes, riots, wars, cold wave, etc. Overall if you plan well, there are few reasons for a disastrous wedding.
It is however, important that you be sure that the person you chose to wed on your wedding day is the perfect one. You should take care that on your wedding day, you simply do not just fulfill your wishes, you also fulfill your beloved’s wishes and plan the wedding accordingly. Make sure you display your feelings not just to your beloved, also ensure you play the perfect host. As a host you should be able to take care of any disaster that could disturb your peaceful wedding.